“Down in a hole…”

August 24, 2010

And I’ve given up on breaking free.

They say that misery loves company, and I believe they’re right. Sadly I have tons of the former, and none of the latter. I’ve been caught in a depressed funk since being released from captivity back in December. It eased off a bit after I found a couple jobs, but money has never been my ONLY problem. Being able to feed and shelter myself just allows everything else to jump to the forefront.

I hate being alone. But then, everyone relies on the comfort of others to some degree. Humans are social creatures, pack animals. But it still feels like I’m failing myself, like I should be stronger than I am.

Depression is boring, and I grow tired of it. I wonder what it would be like to loosen a few screws, allow myself to come undone, slip a little. Dip my toe into the waters of insanity, if only for variety.

I’m a transient, a wanderer; and I’ve been here too long. I’m stagnating. Degrading into the filth I see all around me. I’m bored by the people around me. It’s too easy to label them all as stupid and worthless… but they lack creativity. They lack the ability to think abstractly, probably as a result of being raised simply. Raised to believe that the world is black and white, right and wrong, good and evil; and nothing more. They can’t think outside the box because they don’t realize the box exists. And they seem happier that way. I find myself both jealous and disgusted at the same time.

Ugh, whatever. I could go on like this forever, but even I’M starting to get sick of listening to me.

~Penguin Out

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Maybe it’s just me, but I commonly get into arguments with myself. My “inner voice” splits into several pieces and each takes a side.

Don’t get me wrong, I mean I know it sounds a little… “unhinged”, but it CAN be helpful. It’s useful when planning out important conversations I want to have with people, another voice will step up and start thinking through every possible response to my planned talking points. Help plan for every contingency, especially when dancing around difficult subjects.

But sometimes these alternates just like to bicker amongst themselves. Over the most random shit too. Like, I’ll be walking through the local Wal-Mart, and I’ll see a small flock of the local Mennonite women. My initial reaction is confrontational disgust. Then a second voice tries to instill understanding and acceptance. It plays out a bit like this:

V1: “Freaks…”

V2: “They aren’t that bad.”

V1: “Oh come on! They’re all a bunch of techno hating cultists!”

V2: “They, as a people, have contributed a great deal to this country.”

V1: “Give me a break.”

V2: “No really. They’ve been a positive force here since America’s founding.”

V1: “Yeah yeah. They’re very hands on, making all their own shit.”

V2: “They really are quite good at that.”

V1: “Sure, they can make their own clothes, but their fashion sense is atrocious! I mean, if you’re going through all of that effort, why not make something that’s actually WORTH WEARING?”

V2: ”…Ok. You got me there.”

This is about when a third voice will step in, say “Shut the fuck up” and corral them back into a singular voice. The voice of Me.

Does anyone else have this experience? Is this something that I should be concerned about? Is it a problem or an answer? And how does one tell the difference?

 

~Penguin